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Funny Sex Jokes

The following is a collection of sex jokes and funny jokes we thought were... well, pretty darn funny.  We hope you enjoy them and find them funny too! P.S. Don't forget to bookmark this page using the Bookmark button at right just above.  And, if you have any hilarious sex jokes you think we should add to this page, please feel free to email them to us via our contact us page.  Enjoy...

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year :)

Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"

Husband: "Want a quickie?" Wife: "As opposed to what?"

What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?
A man's undivided attention.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

How to impress woman: Kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, listen to her, protect her and support her.
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.

On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...
"Nice Ass."

"Sixty-Nine-West" - New sexual position sure to please both partners.
This is where the man gets a blowjob and the woman gets new shoes.

What does a female snail say during sex?
Faster, faster, faster!

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.

How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
Give it a nipple.

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.

A husband was asked: Do u talk to your wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.

Q: What happened to the man who swallowed his Viagra too slowly?
A: He got a stiff neck.

Q. What did one light bulb say to the other?
A. "I love you a whole watt!"

Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I'm stuck on you.

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

Q. What's the difference between a regular toad and a horny toad?
A. One says "Rib'it... Rib'it" and the other says "Rub'it... Rub'it."

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me I'm going in.

Q. Why is it called the wonder bra?
A. Because when you take it off you wonder where the boobs went.

Here's some sexy and stimulating quotes we thought you'd also enjoy...

"Sex is like a bridge game: don't need partner if you have good hand. " Unknown

"An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away." Mae West

It's better for the whole world to know you, even as a sex star, than never to be known at all." Marilyn Monroe

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on." Marilyn Monroe

"I'm very definitely a woman and I enjoy it." Marilyn Monroe

"The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble." Unknown

"I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood." Unknown

Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes." Marilyn Sokol"

For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel and cook." Quentin Crisp

"I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible." Leslie Nielsen

"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." Anonymous

"I love sex. It's free and doesn't require special shoes." Anonymous

“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”  Albert Einstein

"There is good sex and there is bad sex, but chocolate is always chocolate." Unknown 

"Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last." Unknown
"Women are like cell phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!" Unknown

 "The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of." Blaise Pascal, Pensées, 1670

"Love is a game that two can play and both win." Eva Gabor

“Opportunity always looks bigger going than coming.” Unknown

“The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us.” Ashley Montagu

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." Albert Einstein